quick update

well Tony actually shaved. WOWSA. I was in shock and I think I fainted for a few seconds.. He was being real funny about it so how can I stay mad.. annoying though since I never stand my ground.
He has surly made an effort so .I am just happy about that.

So yesterday we finally made some progress with Jack's appointments. WOW 4 weeks it took just to get some appointments set. Scares me a bit because the main evaluation is still not set and if just setting appointments take this long how long will a real diagnosis take? But we got the EEG set which is set for next Friday. Crazy a toddler cannot sleep more than 4 hours and no eating and drinking 8 hours prior. Granted me got to sedate him but wow.. If anyone has any tips on how to keep a baby away ( he is used to sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night) without him screaming his head off I will be all ears. thinking about that day gives me the shivers...

Ear dr is also set for the 9th. I just now got a phone call but missed it to set the evaluation but thanks to living where we are my cell phone does not always ring. And of course I missed the call. getting a hold of this lady is impossible...

yesterday we had snow. it was so pretty! usually it snows and blows. but this time it just fell. So we went out to play. Jack has so so so so so much fun and it was nice to not evaluate him every second of the day. We just played in the snow..
So I thought I would post some pics. Seeing him full of laughs just made me so happy..He loves to play outside.

men

I just do not get it. Why, why why is it so hard. We both have trouble with people at times. Both of us hating calling people. Well we had to call the mortgage company and of course husband would not do it so I ended up doing it. Now granted it took me 3 days to make that call but I did it. I said today okay I will call if you finally shave. I made the call did he shave? No of course not. Why is that upsetting me so much. Well for one we have issues already anyway. And he knows full well how much I hate, despise and how repulsive I think it looks. he looks like a fing bum from the street. it pisses me off.. He is so selfish which he admits. he even says life has to be about him. Why can he not do this one little thing and shave to show he cares..? WHY?

I have so much anger. I know this is a small thing. i know this is really not even worth mentioning for many but to me it is so much. it shows how little he cares. it shows how selfish he really is and it shows where I am at on his little priority list. I mean I do not want a diamond ring or a huge house I want him to shave and he cannot do that?

these small things are adding up over time. I am sitting here crying and noone would get this but in my head it makes sense. it makes me realize I need to let him go. I need to stop hoping and dreaming things will work out because they will not.

SIGH

well I must admit writing some things down yesterday really helped my state of mind some. It surely helped that I was able to go visit my friend today. She is a mom to a cute little tot jack's age and it was nice to get together. we sort of have lots in common but yet we are so different.
We hung out for 4 hours both venting quite a bit.
This opened my eyes quite a bit. I have known her for a long time (2 years) but we never were super close. I always wanted her as a friend but she was one of those hard to approach people. I felt she did not want to be my friend ( how kindergarden does this sound?)
well today i think we really became a lot closer which makes me so happy. I need a friend. I need someone who will open up to me and shows me she is vulnerable as well. I need someone to listen to me and understand me and not judge.

I am not a good friend.. Maybe never was but I want to be. I want to be there for people. I want to listen But I just feel I am not deserving of a good friend. or am just a lousy person and will never have it again. I used to have so many friends. Was always the social butterfly. What happened? I sort of blame Tony for that change but I am not going to bash on Tony anymore today. I am done blaming. It is probably my fault for letting it get that way...

But what I meant with opening my eyes is this. I always thought she was perfect. perfect mom, perfect wife perfect everything and nothing is wrong in her life.
well there is always some things wrong with every marriage in every life. nothing is perfect. And I need to remember that. I am not the only one suffering, struggling, crying.. Just cause people to not share their emotions and carry everything on their sleeve like me.. does not mean they are problemless....


Anyway sitting there with my friend and her cute tot I saw how much Jack has changed. he used to be this social outgoing super cute baby. Today he was more withdrawn, not too much laughing, not very outgoing... He was not all by himself but the bubbly personality was gone. it made me so sad. I hope i can keep him from slipping more ... So to do that I am planing on joining a mommy group, go out to the park once a week and also see my friend more which the last being the most fun for me..

He used to hug on the little cute missy he used to kiss her.. For crying out loud she was the first one who got a real kiss from him all initiated by himself. He used to put buckets over her head laughing his little bum off.. He used to hug her and share with her. He used to throw her the ball. Now today he did none of that. He did not laugh at her or smile at her. My heart was breaking. i held it together though and focused on the good. Focused on the things he does do..
My Friend had this slide thingie we brought into the house and he loved it. He did so well except the two times once he fell backwards and once he decided to slide down the wrong way where the steps are. Both resulted in crying. But other than that he laughed and loved it. He was extremely jealous when I was holding mini tot and he actually pushed her away. it made me feel special but hurt too cause he never was like this before. is this a sign? is this a sign of autism? Everything he does makes me wonder if this is a sign? If this is normal? i wish I could just stop already just see him for what he is my wonderful son.

My friend also told me she saw the change. Which I had mixed feelings about I was glad she was honest. I was glad she saw it in a way so I know I am not going crazy. it made me sad cause it seems more final more real in a way...
But all in all I had a great day and Jack had fun too. I know he did. He might not be this outgoing anymore.. but he was not all in a shell. he was out and socializing some and that is a start to get him back... I will get you back Jack if it takes all I have got..

beginning of our autism journey.

so I am not a writer, not talented in any way or have a knack for something especially not writing. As a matter of fact English was always my worst subject in high school. Now that was many moons ago of course but not much has changed in this department. So why am I starting to blog? well it is easy. All my 16 years of marriage I have been dealt some hands that were hard to deal with. Life has not always been easy with my husband. Not that it was all his fault or anyone's fault for that matter but it was hard none the less. we always worked through our troubles, hard times, fights, arguments and disagreements. Well this time something else presented itself and I am not sure we will make it through this in one piece. So I decided I am going to write to work through things. I do not expect to have a following but this is mostly for myself. Now if there is someone who is interested then amazing but for now it is for myself.
This blog will deal with all aspects of my life as a mom, wife, friend. it will be about weight loss, music, inspiration and whatever else comes to mind but mostly it will deal with my son. My wonderful beautiful son Jackson.
Which this is our big hurdle at the moment. Tony and I are facing so much and have no idea how to deal with any of it. We know everything but then know nothing.
So let me explain. My wonderful Jackson is 21 months old. the most beautiful creature on earth. Funny, charming, temperamental, loving and just warms everyone's heart. While pregnant my biggest fear was not premature labor, down's sydrome, or any other thing.. the only scare and fear I had through out the entire pregnancy was Autism. I have no idea why. I knew one child with autism in my life and that is it. I did not know much about it. It just scared the hell out of me. When Jack was born I kept having that fear. Jack's first smile changed my fears for a while until I realized Jack did not smile at me but past me many times. But again after talking to his dr which was on Ft Carson I felt better. Every single dr assured me Jack is just fine. How can such a charming baby not be fine right?
Jack turned one and again i realized something is not quite right. He walked early and was a little dare devil but his talking was lacking. Not a dada or mama or la la gaga.. no baba NOTHING.. Again the doctor assured me everything is fine and actually laughed at me. But the nagging feeling remained. I thought well I am being paranoid since it is such a fear of mine I am looking for things. I did not want to be one of those mom's... you know the type who runs to the doctor with every sniffle.
So I let it go...

Fast forward to four weeks ago. Very slowly Jack was changing. His happiness, charming attitude, exploring character were disappearing right in front of my eyes. Jack changed. Not from one day to another but slowly and every so slightly. His laughing disappeared. And boy did I miss his big ole belly laugh. His bright twinkle in his eyes.. All gone. he became quite fussy and just not a happy child. he zoned out for minutes at a time and did not respond to his name
He started chewing on his hands, started walking on his tipie toes, started running circles and never ever looking at us.
Still not one word that was understandable.
So I just made an appointment. We were seeing a nurse practitioner thanks to the military we were switched to a civilian doctors and I must say this clinic is not my cup of tea.. But this lady did agree with me Jack has some delays and something just does not seem right. she mentioned the A word. Autism. My world sort of crumbled that day.
I was fearing this for so long but hearing it from a medical professional was not what I expected. I sort of expected to be told I am being paranoid and he is just fine.
She told me she thinks he needs to be seen by a pediatrician and not her. So we had to wait for referrals and for change of PCM change which took forever.
we finally saw a pediatrician who also shared concerns and said he is probably on the spectrum. Again this scary word of autism.
in the mean time we read almost every book we could find in the library, saw every video on you tube researched medical reasons, therapies, success stories, sad stories and everything inbetween.
we started Jack on ASL (sign language) and so far we are having success with it. Now he is a very sloppy signer but he is having fun and I cried when he came up out of the blue and signed cup... He could finally tell me what he wants.
while at the pediatrician he saw Jack had fluids in his ears so prescribed some antibiotics just in case. he also ordered referrals to a pediatric ENT specialist, developmental assessment in O, PT and speech also EEG needs to be done to make sure he does not have petit mal seizures.
so after 3 days of taking these antibiotics Jack just started reacting better. he looked at us. he started laughing, running and sort of playing again. He looked happy again. His sparkle in his eyes came back. He was my wonderful sweet boy again. we had to stop the meds though cause his rash became so bad that his entire bottom was bleeding. So this is where we are at right now. Waiting for all the appointments and hoping for someone to tell us it is not autism. Someone to tell us it was just too much yeast and bad bacteria in the gut and he will be just fine. I am hoping his blood and urine tests will show something. Something we can fix. Anything but autism. I know he is still so very young.. So I know nothing really. but I think about his future.. about what can be.. what should be...
it is tearing me up inside. to all this tony and I are not getting along. we are not pulling together like we always do when we hit a bump in the road. we grieve separately. he is feeling lots of guilt cause he is suffering from many symptoms an Asperber person suffers. He has not been diagnosed but after reading a gazzillion books him and I are pretty sure Tony was brushed by ASD... This in return seerms to give tony the excuse to be even more selfish. it has always been about him but now it is even more about him with the response well it is not my fault. we were supposed to start school in February which we canceled cause we do not know what the future holds. But for tony it was an excuse he told me he never wanted to go. who cares if he gets paid for it.. who cares if this would have helped our family financially..
At this point I am doubting my love for him. I know there is a lot of anger, blaming, hurting and grieving going on but I miss my husband. I miss talking to him. Right now I need him most but we are not connecting.

I am sure if there is someone out there in cyber world who reads this it all makes no sense. but for me it is so hard. I feel so alone. I have no family, not many friends.. i feel like I am facing this all by myself...
will my marriage make it/ Will Jack be fine?
Will my wonderful teenage daughter hold it against me that I neglected her for 3 weeks ... (making up for it now) Will she realize I am a lousy mom to her?
Am I a lousy mom?
well for now this is all I have to say. sort of a summery of the last 3 weeks. i will keep posting on Jack and how things are going along. I will post about my marriage.. About my struggles throughout this entire journey which hopefully will not end up a nightmare.

until next time cyber world..