beginning of our autism journey.

so I am not a writer, not talented in any way or have a knack for something especially not writing. As a matter of fact English was always my worst subject in high school. Now that was many moons ago of course but not much has changed in this department. So why am I starting to blog? well it is easy. All my 16 years of marriage I have been dealt some hands that were hard to deal with. Life has not always been easy with my husband. Not that it was all his fault or anyone's fault for that matter but it was hard none the less. we always worked through our troubles, hard times, fights, arguments and disagreements. Well this time something else presented itself and I am not sure we will make it through this in one piece. So I decided I am going to write to work through things. I do not expect to have a following but this is mostly for myself. Now if there is someone who is interested then amazing but for now it is for myself.
This blog will deal with all aspects of my life as a mom, wife, friend. it will be about weight loss, music, inspiration and whatever else comes to mind but mostly it will deal with my son. My wonderful beautiful son Jackson.
Which this is our big hurdle at the moment. Tony and I are facing so much and have no idea how to deal with any of it. We know everything but then know nothing.
So let me explain. My wonderful Jackson is 21 months old. the most beautiful creature on earth. Funny, charming, temperamental, loving and just warms everyone's heart. While pregnant my biggest fear was not premature labor, down's sydrome, or any other thing.. the only scare and fear I had through out the entire pregnancy was Autism. I have no idea why. I knew one child with autism in my life and that is it. I did not know much about it. It just scared the hell out of me. When Jack was born I kept having that fear. Jack's first smile changed my fears for a while until I realized Jack did not smile at me but past me many times. But again after talking to his dr which was on Ft Carson I felt better. Every single dr assured me Jack is just fine. How can such a charming baby not be fine right?
Jack turned one and again i realized something is not quite right. He walked early and was a little dare devil but his talking was lacking. Not a dada or mama or la la gaga.. no baba NOTHING.. Again the doctor assured me everything is fine and actually laughed at me. But the nagging feeling remained. I thought well I am being paranoid since it is such a fear of mine I am looking for things. I did not want to be one of those mom's... you know the type who runs to the doctor with every sniffle.
So I let it go...

Fast forward to four weeks ago. Very slowly Jack was changing. His happiness, charming attitude, exploring character were disappearing right in front of my eyes. Jack changed. Not from one day to another but slowly and every so slightly. His laughing disappeared. And boy did I miss his big ole belly laugh. His bright twinkle in his eyes.. All gone. he became quite fussy and just not a happy child. he zoned out for minutes at a time and did not respond to his name
He started chewing on his hands, started walking on his tipie toes, started running circles and never ever looking at us.
Still not one word that was understandable.
So I just made an appointment. We were seeing a nurse practitioner thanks to the military we were switched to a civilian doctors and I must say this clinic is not my cup of tea.. But this lady did agree with me Jack has some delays and something just does not seem right. she mentioned the A word. Autism. My world sort of crumbled that day.
I was fearing this for so long but hearing it from a medical professional was not what I expected. I sort of expected to be told I am being paranoid and he is just fine.
She told me she thinks he needs to be seen by a pediatrician and not her. So we had to wait for referrals and for change of PCM change which took forever.
we finally saw a pediatrician who also shared concerns and said he is probably on the spectrum. Again this scary word of autism.
in the mean time we read almost every book we could find in the library, saw every video on you tube researched medical reasons, therapies, success stories, sad stories and everything inbetween.
we started Jack on ASL (sign language) and so far we are having success with it. Now he is a very sloppy signer but he is having fun and I cried when he came up out of the blue and signed cup... He could finally tell me what he wants.
while at the pediatrician he saw Jack had fluids in his ears so prescribed some antibiotics just in case. he also ordered referrals to a pediatric ENT specialist, developmental assessment in O, PT and speech also EEG needs to be done to make sure he does not have petit mal seizures.
so after 3 days of taking these antibiotics Jack just started reacting better. he looked at us. he started laughing, running and sort of playing again. He looked happy again. His sparkle in his eyes came back. He was my wonderful sweet boy again. we had to stop the meds though cause his rash became so bad that his entire bottom was bleeding. So this is where we are at right now. Waiting for all the appointments and hoping for someone to tell us it is not autism. Someone to tell us it was just too much yeast and bad bacteria in the gut and he will be just fine. I am hoping his blood and urine tests will show something. Something we can fix. Anything but autism. I know he is still so very young.. So I know nothing really. but I think about his future.. about what can be.. what should be...
it is tearing me up inside. to all this tony and I are not getting along. we are not pulling together like we always do when we hit a bump in the road. we grieve separately. he is feeling lots of guilt cause he is suffering from many symptoms an Asperber person suffers. He has not been diagnosed but after reading a gazzillion books him and I are pretty sure Tony was brushed by ASD... This in return seerms to give tony the excuse to be even more selfish. it has always been about him but now it is even more about him with the response well it is not my fault. we were supposed to start school in February which we canceled cause we do not know what the future holds. But for tony it was an excuse he told me he never wanted to go. who cares if he gets paid for it.. who cares if this would have helped our family financially..
At this point I am doubting my love for him. I know there is a lot of anger, blaming, hurting and grieving going on but I miss my husband. I miss talking to him. Right now I need him most but we are not connecting.

I am sure if there is someone out there in cyber world who reads this it all makes no sense. but for me it is so hard. I feel so alone. I have no family, not many friends.. i feel like I am facing this all by myself...
will my marriage make it/ Will Jack be fine?
Will my wonderful teenage daughter hold it against me that I neglected her for 3 weeks ... (making up for it now) Will she realize I am a lousy mom to her?
Am I a lousy mom?
well for now this is all I have to say. sort of a summery of the last 3 weeks. i will keep posting on Jack and how things are going along. I will post about my marriage.. About my struggles throughout this entire journey which hopefully will not end up a nightmare.

until next time cyber world..